Reflections on mindfulness

Picture by Michel Le Photographe from Morlaix Ballet Camp - when dancing together in the corps de ballet, you also need continued mindfulness of the body to ensure you move together as one team.

 It is the end of the year, and naturally a time to reflect, so I decided to take up blogging again, also to process how much happened this past year. Meanwhile, I still have a few slogans to go with the #lojongchallege, so let's see how far I will get. I certainly won't finish before the end of the year, but maybe I can make some headway in the first week, when things are still a bit more slow.

The next slogan on the list is slogan 47, which says "keep the three inseparable". With "the three", the slogan refers to body, speech, and mind, which are the three components of a person with which they can act in the world. According to Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche in his book Intelligent Heart, the idea is that we should keep these three--body, speech and mind--inseparable from mindfulness. It is an invitation to remain mindful of whatever actions we commit with our body, speech and mind. I think in the West, a kind of simplistic notion of mindfulness has emerged which is only about paying attention. In that notion very often mindfulness is also equated with doing things very slowly. Surely slowing down is good, especially for a busy person like me, but sometimes this is not practical. Here, instead, mindfulness refers to the ethical dimension: remain vigilant of the effects of your body, speech and mind. This sense of mindfulness is therefore not so much self-focused, and instead focuses on awareness of the impact of your actions on others. Funnily enough, I think this often can be quite liberating, because if you only focus on yourself, it can lead to so much hope and fear.

As I was running today, I was thinking about what I accomplished in the past year, and whether that was what I set out to do. I honestly could not really remember specific goals I set myself at the beginning of the year, short of possibly achieving promotion so associate professor. I sadly failed at that one. Nevertheless, I am actually quite happy at things I achieved, but mostly those things involve making an impact on those around me. I was happy with having been nominated for teacher of the year in our AI programme because of my concern for mental health of the students. I was happy that some of my students' papers were published, PhDs were finished, or almost-finished, students got jobs, and I was able to share my knowledge in a series of workshops for students in India. I think for me those mean more than titles or prestige, because they are the things that someone in the end may remember. Of course I still do my best to get grants, and to publish and all those things, but this is not the most important. The most important to me is being aware of the impact of all small actions of my body, speech and mind on others. For related ideas, see the preprint my colleagues and I recently put out in which we call for more kindness in academia: preprint

Remembering the important things

I just got back from a Buddhist retreat in the south of France (the beautiful Tibetan Buddhist temple of Lerab Ling). It's such a gift to be able to spend a good week just thinking about the Buddhist teachings and the meditation. The focus of the retreat was meditation, and there was lots of space and time for practice, which for me is the most important thing. I feel like I already received so many teachings, but I don't have the time to put them into practice. 

Impression from the dialogue with Mingyur Rinpoche

 Every day I started by going for a run, allowing me to move my body. The first day was kind of exciting, because it had been a good 4 years since I had last been to this retreat centre, so I didn't know whether the running path still existed, and whether I still remembered it. Thankfully my body still remembered it, and actually it was easier than I remembered: usually on the big hill somewhere at the end of the round I would need to stop halfway to catch my energy, and this time I was up before I knew it (maybe it was all the zhemfit I have been doing?). 

My favourite spot to practice on top of the hill

 What I found very interesting was that being in this space really made it so easy for me to completely disconnect: to ignore my email and my social media and the news (not that I completely forgot about the news: I did send a lot of prayers to Ukraine in the prayer sessions and also though about Salman Rushdie, who had been attacked just prior to me leaving for retreat). Having the space to simply be and enjoy the nature and the practice was just so much more rewarding than these other things (I remember this being much more challenging previously when I did my retreat at home). 

During a gorgeous day at Lerab Ling

This reminds me of the next #lojongchallenge slogan, number 46, which says "meditate on the three things that must not detoriorate". The three things the slogan refers to are the connection to the spiritual teacher, the enthusiasm for practice, and the sense for what actions are right and wrong. Now enthusiasm for practice is so much easier when you are in a space dedicated to practice, where all that is expected is doing the practice, and everything else is taken care of. What a luxury! Now the challenge will be to go back to busy everyday life, where I myself need to convince myself that practice is important, despite the millions of other things that are expected of me. Hopefully my happy memories of the profound sense of well-being and spaciousness will help me here. 

 Another thing that can help me remember my enthusiasm for practice is an experience I had in the middle of the retreat, when the centre was hit by severe thunder storms (thankfully I was staying in a wooden cabin, so unlike people staying in their own tents, I was very safe). Earlier in the day, I had been sitting on my favourite meditation spot on top of the hill, and I felt the strong winds, but despite all of that my mind felt quite settled and stable. Then I went down to the temple for teaching and practice, and we heard the news that the major had sent a warning to the retreat centre that a major storm, possibly hurricane, would hit the centre, and we needed to be prepared (people in personal tents were asked to sleep over in the temple to ensure their safety). What was interesting that now my mind completely jumped all over the place, even though at that point the weather was almost the same: now I started to worry a lot about things like whether my running shoes would fly away (they were hanging out at the door of my cabin). It's amazing how our mind dramatizes things so much, and creates a lot of suffering that way. But that's why we do the practice: to become aware of this pattern, and instead of mindlessly following it, to gentle observe it and let it go instead. 

View from my run 

Impression from Lerab Ling

 The second thing that the slogan asks us to remember is the spiritual teacher. In the Buddhist teachings, the teacher plays a crucial role, as an embodied role model for the path to enlightenment. They are so inspiring because they live in the same world as we do, and give us examples in how to deal with that more sanely. Sometimes even thinking of the teacher can put you in a more sane and wise state of mind. In fact, that is the essence of the Tibetan Buddhist practice of guru yoga. One teacher who currently really inspires me is Mingyur Rinpoche, whom I had the tremendous honour to dialogue with just prior to my retreat. In his way of being, he shows how to maintain a joyful mind no matter what happens to you (I could really use that reminder in a very rough train journey on my way to the retreat, where I arrived with 4 hours delay at 2 am in Montpellier, the city closest to the retreat centre...). If you want to know some more concrete examples, I highly recommend his book In love with the world or the movie about his wandering retreat Wandering but not lost (we also got to watch this after the dialogue: what a treat!). 

 The final thing to remember from the slogan is how to behave as a decent human being. The Buddhist teachings are actually very simple in this: rather than giving you a list of rules, the simply ask you to do not harm others, and where possible to help. Of course in reality this is not so simple, because sometimes helping in the short term can be harming in the long term--something I reflect on a lot in the context of climate change (hence my frequent train journeys and avoidance of flying where possible). It's so important to keep reflecting on your actions. I try to remember (not always successfully) to take some time at the end of my day to reflect on what I did, and whether that is in line with my values, and also at the beginning of the day to set my intention to be of benefit. When I do manage to remember these things, I certainly feel so much more fulfilled...

Impression from Nurnberg

Four different practices to work with challenging emotions in daily life

The next slogan in the #lojongchallenge is "Four practices are the best of methods". My excuse for not having blogged for such a long time is that this slogan is really very all-encompassing. But I am finally there (on vacation, so with a bit of time to write), so let's go through the four practices and see how they fit in daily life. Right now my daily life is a ballet intensive so some of it will be applied to that.

An arabesque in Budapest, where I am for the ballet intensive with a friend

The first of the practices is the accumulation of merit. When I first became a Buddhist, I always found that quite a mysterious term. But Khandro Rinpoche explains it quite simply as being about working with yourself to display your qualities. For example, if you take a shower and comb your hair, you display your quality of beauty. This is the opposite of wailing in a poverty mentality of thinking you do not have enough and you are not good enough. Your body and mind are sufficient to be kind and generous, and this is the most beautiful. This is helpful for me as a reminder during my ballet summer intensive, because I sometimes get quite frustrated with my legs and feet which don't allow me to stand on pointe in a beautiful way. But I can still work with what I have, and just do my best to stretch my legs as much as possible so my legs are as beautiful they can be, but then take courage from the fact that I have other qualities such as remembering combinations quickly or displaying joy while dancing. I found the first day, especially when one teacher was berating us about not stretching our legs on pointe that I really got stuck in this mentality that I am incapable of dancing, but when during the second day I changed my mind and focused more on working with what I have, then I felt much better.

The second practice is that of purification. These are practices in which we remember the actions and thoughts that are not so wholesome, we purify them through visualization (for example), and then we vow not to commit those actions again. It is a great way of working with pride, because we acknowledge we have some negative sides, but also that they can be transformed. It's not intended to be the case that we get completely discouraged and feel worthless, but rather that we feel our negative sides can be purified. For me the visualisation practices are quite helpful, because they allow me not only to work with my own negative aspects, and face them, but also to work for healing of all beings who are suffering or are in pain. Right now in the situation surrounding Rigpa, I use this practice to apologize in my mind for all the harm done in the context of this organization and to bring well-being and happiness to all those who are suffering (on all sides of the equation). And that whatever my role in that has been, for example to not speak up or check in with people who may have been suffering, will be purified, so that in the future I will be able to take more action. Alternatively, I sometimes practise for specific people I know who are sick or suffering, and it is so wonderful to be able to do something and keep them in mind.

The third practice is the practice of offering torma, which according to Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche relates to thanking the trouble makers on our path. Working with the challenges they provide helps us to repay the karmic debts for all the things we have received from others. In the context of this ballet intensive, that is very much working with challenging teachers. One teacher really likes to berate us for not paying attention, for not listening to the music, and for disappointing her, whereas I feel I cannot do much more than I am doing. So then instead of enjoying the work of dance I start to feel nervous and insecure. Now I think here is my chance to work with the challenging circumstance, to work with the demon in more traditional terms, and just face it: just face the feelings but also enjoy the lesson on my own terms. I am sure the person is trying to help, but has a somewhat odd way of communicating, probably heavily influenced by the way they were taught. And in the end, it is a good exercise in diminishing arrogance: just giving what I have to give without expecting praise or anything in return.

This shows very nicely a moment where I am enjoying the dancing  (from a performance at Zhembrovskyy Ballet Dance Fitness https://www.zhembrovskyy.com )

The fourth and final practice is that of offering to the protectors. This is a very traditional practice clouded in mysticism, but I found Khandro Rinpoche brought a very helpful explanation to it: the most important protector is our awareness, because when we are aware of our thoughts and emotions, this prevents us from doing stupid things that bring harm to others. So it is a reminder to cultivate awareness of our thoughts and emotions, which is done in the context of meditation, but should obviously be extended to the context of everyday life.

In short, this slogan captures really the whole Buddhist path, so we are really never done, but nevertheless these are some helpful reminders.

A new way of dieting or other habit changes: quantifying your wants

There is a cool new research project called qwantify.org in which some of my friends from the Mind and Life Institute participate. The project seeks to investigate what people think about and want and how those things influence each other. They do this study by means of a smartphone app, which everyone with a smartphone can download and try out. I downloaded it and have found it very insightful.

I often find myself wanting things, ranging from food to consuming media to--in fact--consuming anything. The app prompts you to investigate these wants. A few times a day, it buzzes you and asks you whether you want anything, a question that is immediately followed by questions like: how do you want to feel? (e.g., accomplished, comfortable, connected...).This is fascinating because it draws the connection between what you want immediately and why you might want that. For example, often I may want to check the twitter or consume other media. But why? Do I want to feel comfortable? Connected? Or actually, is feeling accomplished more important? If so, is social media the best thing to want right now? The app also asks you about your emotions and your social situation. For example, it asks you whether you feel content, angry, etc. It also asks you whether there are currently people around you, and whether you are interacting with them. Do you want more things when you are by yourself, or when with others?

After you have filled out a few prompts, the app starts to give you charts that index many different aspects of your behavior. For example, I found out that apparently, I am a pretty happy person, because my predominant emotions are content and happy. Also, want things more when I am alone than when I am with others. This makes sense to me, since when I am with others my mind is sufficiently occupied that I don't really need much more. Moreover, I want things more badly when I am in a bad mood compared to when I am in a good mood. Overall, I am pretty amazing that there are even such patterns in my own data. Quite interesting.

Most importantly, the app drew my attention to the kinds of choices I make in my life. Normally, when I want things, I unquestioningly follow those impulses (or resist them), but I don't investigate what is behind them, or whether they actually make me feel better. As a result of working with the app for a few days, I became more aware of what impulses make me really happy. For example, creating things and accomplishing things for others is what makes me happy, while my wants are usually quite the opposite: consuming things (mostly food and media). So, if I take a moment to reflect, I could actually become happier by following the longer-term goals of creating things for other people rather than simply following my mindless impulses... Do you want to try it out as well (and help science along the way)?